1. |
Survivor Bias
02:49
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Welcome one and all to this orientation
There will be many explanations during this presentation
Future reference you can call me Mayor Wertz
and by the end of this, I'll be the center of your universe
Start off by saying, you've come to the right place
Nothing for me to hide, so I'll cut to the chase
When you don't like me, you don't know what you're missing
Keeping an eye on you, I'm the next snake Pliskin
Listen, calculated risk, but I'm bad at math
That feeling when you learn you're getting time and a half
My words highly choreographed, better than gene kelly
With ideas opposite of Machiavelli
Like petting the belly of a cat, I'm a gamble
At best, these rhymes sound like a put together ramble
Scrambling to find someone to be my competition
Just scrolling by them Terms and conditions
I'm your new Mayor YEAH I'm your new Mayor
Whether you like it or not I'm your new Mayor
I'm your new Mayor YEAH I'm your new Mayor
Just so you're aware, I'm not going anywhere
Tasting so good like a free appetizer
Knowing where to put these thoughts, expert organizer
The Mayor will change lives of many with none the wiser
Not covering up something like a well-placed visor
Gaining immortality and then shed my mortal coil
I'm tender like a perfectly cooked London broil
No snake oil here, only all my great qualities
Follow me on a journey of all my philosophies
If the prophecies are correct, There's a lot to expect
When it comes to the man who's often circumspect
With explosion sound effects for his personality
He uses that stud muffin charm as a formality
Rationality behind it? No way to justify
But the Mayor is a 3AM pizza personified
If you don't understand this, then that's your burden
Just don't beat yourself up over it, Tyler Durden
I'm your new Mayor YEAH I'm your new Mayor
Whether you like it or not I'm your new Mayor
I'm your new Mayor YEAH I'm your new Mayor
Just so your aware I'm not going anywhere
Like Drunk Amazon Shopping, I'm quite the surprise
It makes sense, no need to overanalyze
Just recognize that there is no sense of malice
The Mayor is a sight to behold, Aurora Borealis
I'm trying to balance all my life's aspirations
Like taking a hostage, there are no negotiations
Becoming my friend would be a force majeure
Make sure you get the name right though Hors-d'oeuvres
A real raconteur with the nomenclature
Using a microphone to say words he wrote on paper
Only the bravest of audiences will be rewarded
Otherwise, my plans for you will have been thwarted
Everything turned out well no need for revisions
This track steered you into the correct decision
Now I hope this clears up any and all confusion
Once again I'm Mayor Wertz, and that was my conclusion!
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2. |
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First things first, Big Bang Theory is canceled
Also banning any kind of combo of socks and sandals
No more wearing sports jerseys if you're over twelve
When you get a drink here it's only from the top shelves
All restaurants and bars have chicken wing specials
Every weekend there is a comedy and music festival
Shopping locally will be important to our economy
Free parking everywhere anytime that's a new policy
As you can see, chin straps are eliminated
Shooting vertical video? Your phone is being confiscated
Highly rated schools, everyone getting educated
Guess what? School Loans just got evaporated
If you convince both parents get maternity leave
Best believe you'll always have time off to grieve
Every one of your dreams will come true for the right price
All you gotta do is just a little human sacrifice
You will grow in this city
You will thrive in this city
You will flourish in this city
You will shine in this city
Grow. Thrive. Flourish. Shine.
Grow. Thrive. Flourish. Shine.
Look, I know what you're thinking. This is unbelievable
But with the right kind of people, this is achievable
You're well aware that it's all for the greater good
This city is for everybody and they all understood
What has to be done to make this a perfect community
My residents are happy just for the opportunity
You know to be Honest, this is the way we strive
But that means that others don't always get to survive
But let's move on, health insurance is free!
And every room is a comfortable sixty-eight degrees
So please looking further into residency
Low rent and All places are decorated elegantly
No waiting to get a table at any restaurant
Also, I have personally banned the comic sans font
It's an absolute paradise and not a bit of hyperbole
Just bring someone you know, they're your entrance fee.
You will grow in this city
You will thrive in this city
You will flourish in this city
You will shine in this city
Grow. Thrive. Flourish. Shine.
Grow. Thrive. Flourish. Shine.
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3. |
Twenty-Something Party
02:37
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Forget your bills, forget your job
Forget your debt, forget your flaws
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
forget your past, forget your goals
forget your carbs, forget your woes
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
Had a long week now I'm getting psyched
The Guests are here on time, party tonight!
Hope they're hungry, I put out a nice spread
Gotta make sure my friends are well fed
Crock Pots got that buffalo chicken dip
Salsa ready for all of those tortilla chips
Friends bring their own beer and snacks
Loading up the cooler with the craft beer six packs
90s playlist keeps this party alive
DDs on hand no ones gonna drink and drive
No talking about your boss, just drunk Jenga
This is a fantastic fiesta
Everyone putting bottles in the recycling
When we do shots our bonds are tightening
Sharing science, spirits, stories
Hope I can still do this when I'm hitting forty
Forget your bills, forget your job
Forget your debt, forget your flaws
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
forget your past, forget your goals
forget your carbs, forget your woes
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
All of the guests start to part ways
They have errands to finish on Sunday
Ate a lot of pizza, dumb carbohydrates
I know I'm going to regret this mistake
Got guests that are too drunk to drive
Blankets, pillows, and water to survive
Get into my bed and under the covers
It's gonna take the whole day just to recover
Woke up regretting all of my decisions
like when I took shots got double vision
Gonna nurse this hangover
Take several showers, keep my composure
Last night we forgot about our troubles
For just a few hours forgot about our struggles
We should do this every weekend
I know some friends that would love to attend
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4. |
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I sat in the room where we use to inhabit
Learning, loving, expanding our possibilities
The wall had marks from where your dyed hair laid
Understanding your decision... well trying my best
Alcohol graced my lips, making you laugh with confidence
Who knew holding your hand would lead to such consequence
Things moved quickly, and I was loving the attention
Feeling self-worth within all of your affection
Performers in our own way, Fed off the creativity
Who knew your envy would be at the top of your abilities
Supporting one another was rough, viewing me as competition
Never once did you refer to me as a fellow musician
Jealousy played a pivotal role in our contention
Under that lived a solid layer of distrust as foundation
Looked the opposite direction when red flags appeared
Not having someone love me is something that I feared
You told me to write it all down
You told me it would release me
You told me everything would be okay
You told me I was perfect
Valentines Day started lovely then turned into a disaster
Things escalated quickly and then even faster
Once again the drinks helped fuel our arguments
You locked the bathroom and began to hurt yourself
I begged for you to get help, you said you were alright
So scared at any moment just to let you out of my sight
You were fighting depression and I didn't know how to help
I hated myself for not being able to help
When your band practice ended, our final fight began
Not holding back, very vocal about how you really felt
Telling me I lacked empathy and I was a hack writer
Even more so a pussy, very much so a whiner
You broke it off, saying it was unfair to drag me along
Depressed and suicidal, you said it was best to move on
Following your instructions, ripping off the bandage
Applying the disinfectant, covering up the damage
You told me to write it all down
You told me it would release me
You told me it would make me feel better
You told me I was perfect
The story doesn't end there, You couldn't leave me alone
Three A M emails, contacting my friends through facebook or phone
You sent flowers to my new place to try to get my attention
Retweeting me daily, showing up in my mentions
It wasn't romantic at the least, it just got tiring
Trying to dodge you, trying to hard reset my wiring
Failed attempts at getting me to have a conversation
After all that happened, it's time to reevaluate your calculations
Remember that you left me, then acted like a martyr
Attempting to save myself when life got harder
projecting the problems onto me like I was the silver screen
our alcohol-induced lifestyle slowly became routine
Which made me think this is the way I should be treated
Yearning for your approval could be described as self-defeated
A conceited fool, couldn't comprehend the consequences
Destroying myself for someone's love is the hardest lesson
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5. |
Mild Life Crisis
03:52
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Starting the day off right with a couple shower beers
Called off work but no vacation days till next year
I fear the overdraft fees, but I'm feeling self-righteous
Gotta get a handle on my Midlife Crisis
I know what you're saying, "You're only in your Twenties"
You'll have plenty of years before you truly feel empty
But why should I wait to spend every last bit of my savings
Who knows when that day will come there's no sense in waiting.
Because being rich in spirit doesn't help me get a tattoo
can't even settle on what to choose so it's a lose-lose
And I refuse to let my situation dictate my schedule
Absolutely hitting up happy hour today is influential
Take note I'm a luminary for future generations!
Feeling extraordinary with no budgetary considerations
No More obligations that's the end of discussion!
And don't you dare worry about the repercussions.
Eat that food
Spend that cash
Have that drink
cause you're probably gonna die soon.
Probably gonna die soon
Probably gonna die soon
Mid Life Crisis
Probably gonna die soon.
Let's Start by Embodying the Sunday Funday mentality!
We're trying to deal with our ever fleeting mortality!
It's for the best that you no longer fear death
We're making the most of it before your last breath
You should treat yourself and drop all the courtesies
Time to get your head straight for unlimited possibilities
Now I've got some ideas so finish your breakfast
Crush those concerns Start off straight Reckless
Make your Friends jealous, Order an expensive meal
Dine and Ditch, bouncing in a car that you'll steal
Roll out of the whip once you hit some crazy velocity
Take a tumble, now you peaked the local news curiosity
Get those cameras on your gorgeous persistence
No time to think about your fleeting existence
Before we depart, remember what you've been taught
Make the most of this, while you hijack your new yacht
Eat that food
Spend that cash
Have that drink
cause you're probably gonna die soon.
Probably gonna die soon
Probably gonna die soon
Mid-Life Crisis
Probably gonna die soon.
Came for a good time, not a long time.
Came for a good time, not a long time.
Came for a good time, not a long time.
Came for a good time, not a long time.
Eat that food
Spend that cash
Have that drink
cause you're probably gonna die soon.
Probably gonna die soon
Probably gonna die soon
Mid-Life Crisis
Probably gonna die soon.
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6. |
Wing Night
02:32
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Have you heard the news? It's Wing Night!
You got plans Later? It's Wing Night!
Weekday specials, tons of deals
Add some beers, that's a steal
Baked, grilled, Smoked, and Deep Fried
Tables looking like a chicken genocide
Fan of dry rub, but love the sauce
Chicken stuck in my teeth, yo get the floss
Smell the Deep fried golden good good
Dine in only? That's understood
So much sauce all over my fingers
Got a buffalo with a taste that lingers
Starting to feel it burning in my chest
How are all these wings gonna digest?
Bad habit of ignoring the warnings
Going to feel this in the morning
When I'm ordering wings, don't stop me
Always down for hot garlic or teriyaki
Not snobby, I'll destroy some classics
And all that remains fill up the baskets
Never go wrong with a pepper blend
Trading flavors with my closest friends
Bayou Cajun is always a win-win
BBQ goes great with crispy skin
Lemon pepper as a palette cleanser
Licking our fingers, no napkin dispenser
Signing release forms and waivers
Whenever I get stupid hot wing flavors
Suicides bad, don't get scared though
Loving every bite of these Mango habaneros
Crime scene when I get some Parmesan
Conquered them all, Wing night Genghis Khan
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7. |
Inside-Out Gym Shorts
02:58
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Good Parents, Good Job, Good situation
Thesis read and now I require good sedation
Broken hinges turn into constant stagnation
Fog of desperation leads to lack of destination
Several stipulations, Nothing is ever effortless
Decisions at the end expected to be treacherous
Trying different routes/ideas, doubtfully sensible
Building a fortress that's beyond defensible
All this interior is nothing more than filler
Halt monochromatic relapse feels so familiar
Altered state of understanding results poorly
Holding onto a concept of what I hold dearly
Too early to tell if this is worth the energy
Finding alternate ways, getting stopped cleverly
Charismatic dangling carrots seem like distant isles
Pragmatic ideals make a lesser Kyle.
It's inside you, but it is inside me?
Speaking like savages, losing steam
No idea where I am or who I should be
My interests evolve into faulty floorboards
Cracks become roadblocks, areas unexplored
Ignoring swift strikes to the ego's abdomen
Trouble finding what it means to be a better human
Trusting in myself that I can be a better human
Comparing cliche talking points without reserve
Knowing full well what I want is not what I deserve
The nerve engulfs every inch of my decisions
Choices come with several anecdotes and revisions
Ringing out these wet cardboard puzzle pieces
Suckered into thinking that the quality increases
Release the suspects out of the allegory
Clinging onto something stable in my territory
My priorities consume my intentions like savages
The bleeding never stops though, running through bandages
Accepted the damage, sign off on the dishonesty
Taking ownership. I added an apostrophe
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8. |
Artist Depiction
02:08
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Smash cut straight into the Mayor Wertz Gynamasium
I've said a decent amount of words, but Don't worry I saved you some.
Make your way up here, I saved you a seat in the front row
Safe to say that this is one of many to come manifestos
This is my own completely accurate artist depiction
My prediction will come true, There will be no contradictions
Check the plaque on the wall I'm a certified Curse sayer
I'm the Schichttorte of rap, so many layers
Marvel at me spitting all these relentless sentences
Yeah my jawline is perfect, thanks for mentioning
Here we are Adventuring Searching for the glyphs
While other rappers are surviving working double shifts
These individuals are spotty like 101 dalmations
Do some aggregation, I'll be your inspiration
Hear me loud and clear like velcro on sneakers
Words that travel the halls principal on the loudspeaker
Got the language that heats you up then shock you, Blanche
Being in my presence is me extending the olive branch
Almost always I'm going to be fashionably late
So pile on my seconds right on top of the first plate
Anything goal I'm after, going to be always in that hot pursuit
Landing safely with a bottle of champagne and a parachute
No dates with destiny, we've been married since I was conceived
Only in my 20s and look at what I've achieved
Developed some pet peeves when it comes to flocks of geese
Whenever I enter a room, I immediately become the centerpiece
Never decreasing my value, keeping up with the crunches
But I'll always ask where the best lunch is
Now maybe in some ways your correct with your assumptions
Being too humble on the mic is my only major malfunction
We're done here, Leave a review, but only praise in your description
I hope I didn't fill you disappointment like a monthly box subscription
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9. |
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I think I'm gonna die, my girl's into True Crime!
She's gonna get away, won't find my body anyway
Saying goodbye cause it's just a matter of time!
I think I'm gonna die my girls into true Crime!
I got a girl, and she's got a thing for true crime
Serial Killers, cults, and re-runs of Dateline
Her bookshelves filled with Ann Rule
Can list the BTK Killer's favorite Tools
Getting yogurt? Not without hearing about Austin
Reciting every victim of the strangler from Boston
Mention Jon Benet Ramsey? Proceed with caution
You'll be hearing about theories until exhaustion
Correlations between head trauma and homicides
Always pass on the punch thinking it's got cyanide
Deciding which is your favorite Eriksson twin
She knows all the ways Ed Gein used the skin
What's Children of God? She's gonna fill me in
Just like all the poisoning of Amy Archer Gilligan
Breaking down Ted Bundy's bipolar disorder
But she says I'm her favorite murder!
I think I'm gonna die, my girl's into True Crime!
She's gonna get away, won't find my body anyway
Saying goodbye cause it's just a matter of time!
I think I'm gonna die my girls into true Crime!
So many true crime shows in her Netflix queue
She doesn't know which type of crime to choose
Cold Case Files of missing boys and girls
One more autopsy photo I'm going to hurl
Walls covered with red string connecting evidence
She's fascinated by Gary Ridgway's arrogance
I promised her I'd never join Heaven's Gate
Or I'll end up like Amanda Knox's Roommate
Won't let me grow a mustache like H.H. Holmes
Digging in the backyard to find victim's bones
Reading manifestos over newspapers daily
Practicing self-defense for our own safety!
Date night begins with a polygraph test
Outsiders say she's completely obsessed
But it's all in good fun, hobbies are essential
But When my time comes, she promises to be gentle
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10. |
Escalation Opportunities
02:48
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There will come a time you'll meet an individual
That does or says something utterly inexplicable
A kind of criminal on a much more emotional scale
Rocks you to your core no matter how many times you exhale
Watching all of this littering makes your eyes roll
Having to Walk away trying to do some damage control
No blinker is used, disregarding etiquette
Screwing with your everyday normal temperament
It might be genetic, or even how they were raised
Your kids aren't crying? Man they should be totally praised
During the movie you see a light from a phone
Fighting couples in public sounds just like a war zone
Yelling at a waiter or waitress is devastating
Like when someone is late and keeps you waiting
Assholes are everywhere and I can't see the attraction
One thing is for sure: All they want is our reactions
Hey Asshole, It's a simple concept
Hey Asshole, Clearly you're inept
Hey Asshole, And you lack any depth
Hey Asshole, So show some respect
Hey Asshole, Don't make us upset
Hey Asshole, It's a lot to digest
Hey Asshole, But I have one request
Hey Asshole, Don't be an Asshole
Look at all those grocery carts in parking spaces
People who take up both sides of staircases
Ethics and morals go straight out the window
Using derogatory terms like slut, whore or bimbo
Taking a walk and stepping on someone's chewed gum
No need to brag away about all of your income
Strike Actually out of your entire vocabulary
Talking with your mouth full is unnecessary
Why don't you ever hold the door open for others
And when was the last time you called your dear mother?
I shudder whenever someone cuts anyone in line
Or uses the term, I heard it through the grapevine
There are asinine People out there who lack compassion
And will make fun of you for your hobbies and passions
Not helping someone up after just got done tripping
But the worst thing of all? No free shipping.
Hey Asshole, It's a simple concept
Hey Asshole, Clearly you're inept
Hey Asshole, And you lack any depth
Hey Asshole, So show some respect
Hey Asshole, Don't make us upset
Hey Asshole, It's a lot to digest
Hey Asshole, But I have one request
Hey Asshole, Don't be an Asshole
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11. |
Dad Life
03:04
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Hey there where my dad's at?
Listen up, where my dad's at?
Come on where my dad's at?
Tell me where my dad's at?
Dad life, are you all about it?
Are you dad enough? You know what? highly doubt it!
If youre about that life, you gotta show it
Dad life is great, You better know it
But, this rad dad lifestyle isnt for everybody
To Learn all about this life, you sit down better study
As you can see,Dad life obviously has its many perks
Although You can't be Dad life if you're a jerk
But if you want in, then I can show you the way
dad life is all about that follow through day by day
Dad life is not choice, but a lifestyle
Wanna know more, be quiet and listen to Kryle
Windbreakers
cause I'm all about that dad life
History Channel
cause I'm all about that dad life
Golf Trips
cause I'm all about that dad life
Jean Shorts
cause I'm all about that dad life
Can you feel this dad life deep withinin your soul?
Well how do you feel about the 80s and rock and roll?
Now dig out the box with all your old band tees
Better ut your jorts on so you can feel the breeze
Your socks and sandals combo will be spectacular
Guess what? Dad jokes will be your new vernacular
You have a grill and you just got some primo steaks
You want them medium well? That's a piece of cake.
Do you love shows about world war 2
Grab a chair you got a long weekend ahead of you
Take a nap while watching the PGA tour
Got errands to run though? Wait What for!
If you feel like you want this life, go ahead
Just don't let this go straight to your head
Tell everyone you know, family and friends
That dad life is simply the best and never ends
Goatees
cause I'm all about that dad life
401K
Cause I'm all about that dad life
James Bond movies
Cause I'm all about that dad life
Visors
Cause I'm all about that dad life
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12. |
||||
Good Parents, Good Job, Good situation
Thesis read and now I require good sedation
Broken hinges turn into constant stagnation
Fog of desperation leads to lack of destination
Several stipulations, Nothing is ever effortless
Decisions at the end expected to be treacherous
Trying different routes/ideas, doubtfully sensible
Building a fortress that's beyond defensible
All this interior is nothing more than filler
Halt monochromatic relapse feels so familiar
Altered state of understanding results poorly
Holding onto a concept of what I hold dearly
Too early to tell if this is worth the energy
Finding alternate ways, getting stopped cleverly
Charismatic dangling carrots seem like distant isles
Pragmatic ideals make a lesser Kyle.
It's inside you, but it is inside me?
Speaking like savages, losing steam
No idea where I am or who I should be
My interests evolve into faulty floorboards
Cracks become roadblocks, areas unexplored
Ignoring swift strikes to the ego's abdomen
Trouble finding what it means to be a better human
Trusting in myself that I can be a better human
Comparing cliche talking points without reserve
Knowing full well what I want is not what I deserve
The nerve engulfs every inch of my decisions
Choices come with several anecdotes and revisions
Ringing out these wet cardboard puzzle pieces
Suckered into thinking that the quality increases
Release the suspects out of the allegory
Clinging onto something stable in my territory
My priorities consume my intentions like savages
The bleeding never stops though, running through bandages
Accepted the damage, sign off on the dishonesty
Taking ownership. I added an apostrophe
|
||||
13. |
||||
Forget your bills, forget your job
Forget your debt, forget your flaws
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
forget your past, forget your goals
forget your carbs, forget your woes
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
Had a long week now I'm getting psyched
The Guests are here on time, party tonight!
Hope they're hungry, I put out a nice spread
Gotta make sure my friends are well fed
Crock Pots got that buffalo chicken dip
Salsa ready for all of those tortilla chips
Friends bring their own beer and snacks
Loading up the cooler with the craft beer six packs
90s playlist keeps this party alive
DDs on hand no ones gonna drink and drive
No talking about your boss, just drunk Jenga
This is a fantastic fiesta
Everyone putting bottles in the recycling
When we do shots our bonds are tightening
Sharing science, spirits, stories
Hope I can still do this when I'm hitting forty
Forget your bills, forget your job
Forget your debt, forget your flaws
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
forget your past, forget your goals
forget your carbs, forget your woes
It's a 20 something party
It's a 20 something Party
All of the guests start to part ways
They have errands to finish on Sunday
Ate a lot of pizza, dumb carbohydrates
I know I'm going to regret this mistake
Got guests that are too drunk to drive
Blankets, pillows, and water to survive
Get into my bed and under the covers
It's gonna take the whole day just to recover
Woke up regretting all of my decisions
like when I took shots got double vision
Gonna nurse this hangover
Take several showers, keep my composure
Last night we forgot about our troubles
For just a few hours forgot about our struggles
We should do this every weekend
I know some friends that would love to attend
|
Mayor Wertz Lakewood, Ohio
Step into the world of Mayor Wertz, the self-proclaimed internet Step-Dad and comedy rapper hailing from Cleveland, Ohio.
With infectious energy and wit, Mayor Wertz has a unique ability to combine humor and storytelling in a way that sets him apart.
Known for his engaging crowd participation, he doesn't just perform for the audience; he brings them along for the ride.
... more
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